Pat Dollard | Young Americans

The Swamp:

by Rick Pearson

PHILADELPHIA–Unsuccessful in his attempt to become a presidential candidate in his native South Carolina, comedy show host Stephen Colbert was forced to rely on the
“expertise” of Sen. Hillary Clinton during a taping of tonight’s “Colbert Report.”

Concluding a series of shows from Philadelphia in advance of Pennsylvania’s primary on Tuesday, Colbert opened his show with a technical glitch–his fancy high-tech digital backdrop featuring such scenes as the Liberty Bell and the Phillie Phanatic wouldn’t work and his electronics experts were all back in New York.

“Are you telling me, there’s no one in this theater to fix the mess we’re in?” Colbert asks his director, “Jimmy,” in providing an entrance line for Clinton to walk on stage.

“Let me handle this,” Clinton tells Colbert as the New York senator quizzes “Jimmy” about truly technical issues that would puzzle a member of the Geek Squad. “About the screen, are you using a digital or analog production truck?” was one of Clinton’s questions.

Finally she suggests “try toggling the input” and the electronic backdrop magically lights up.

Clinton then tells Colbert his “forehead is a little shiny” and she calls for a makeup assistant to provide some “translucent powder.”

“Wow Sen. Clinton, you’re so prepared for any situation. I just don’t know how to thank you enough,” Colbert responds.

“I just love solving problems,” Clinton tells him. “Call me anytime.”

“Really?” Colbert asks.

“Sure,” Clinton says. “Call me at 3 a.m.”

While the sketch was appreciated by the studio audience perhaps better than it might play out on television, the real “report” from the “Colbert Report,” was that Clinton met backstage privately with John Edwards, her one time rival for the Democratic nomination. The former North Carolina senator was also a guest on the program and has been wooed for an endorsement by Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama.

Obama also will appear on the show. He taped a segment today that was apparently supposed to be a surprise.

Here what happened as told by a reporter who witnessed it for the rest of the traveling press corps and filed a report.

The crowd on the riser behind the stage had been asked to stay and the audience was told to stay quiet before the show began lest it disrupt Sen. Obama’s ability to hear. The audience didn’t make a sound when Obama came out. He waved and put his finger to his lips to signal the “be quiet” sound. He waved again and the audience waved back, in unison and in silence.

Staffers (Arun and Marvin) held cue cards next to a camera on the stage as everyone waited for the feed to start. Obama stood with his arms crossed across his chest.

After Obama chatted through his earpiece with a producer, Stephen Colbert’s voice came on, announcing the end of the show, taped today in Philadelphia and which Sen. Clinton had sat for earlier this afternoon.

What follows is the transcript, somewhat devoid of context since we hadn’t seen the rest of the show or what was happening in Philadelphia.

Stephen Colbert: I really wish Senator Obama could have joined us tonight

Barack Obama (reading off cue cards): So do I Stephen.

Stephen: Senator Obama! (pause) Can you hear me?

Obama: (Pause) Stephen are you there? (Crosstalk) I can hear you just fine.

Stephen: Won’t Senator Clinton be happy that she fixed our screen?

Obama: I’m sure she will, Stephen. I’m sure she will.

Stephen: I enjoyed the debate last night, though I have to take issue with you calling some of the questions manufactured political distractions.

Obama: Well Stephen, I think the American people are tired of these political games and petty distractions

Stephen: Sir, speaking for the news media, speaking for the news media, we are not tired of it. It allows us to ask the same questions over and over again. It’s a lot less work.

Obama: Stephen, these distractions they won’t help us fix our economy, they won’t help get people health care. They won’t get us out of Iraq. Stephen, I would go so far as to say I want to put these political distractions on notice.

Stephen: What!?

Obama: Boys, bring out the on notice board.

Stephen: What?

Stephen: Senator, I have to warn you, I probably don’t have a card for distractions.

(Stephen sifts through a card box)

Let me I see I’ve got Dimetapp, Dionne Warwick, Deion Sanders, Dion comma Celine, Dirigibiles, There we go! Distractions!

Okay senator, uh, something’s gonna have to come off, what should I remove?

Obama: Well it can’t be grizzly bears, they are the number one threat to America.

Stephen: Good man

Obama: I think we should take off James Brady, he’s a good guy.

Stephen; Alright, Brady. This is your lucky day.

(Stpehen pulls off Brady)

Stephen: Okay here we go - distractions, I hope you’re paying attention.

(Stephen puts in Distraction)

Stephen: Wham! How’s that taste?

Obama: Manufactured, manufactured political distractions, you are officially on notice.

Stephen: Thank you Senator Obama. Thank you Philly!

(applause from the audience in North Carolina, and Philadelphia)