Why Men Are Telling Wives ‘Not Tonight’
Marriage counsellors report a 40 per cent rise in husbands uninterested in physical relationships.
‘Not tonight, Joséphine.’ Napoleon Bonaparte’s lacklustre response to the bedtime blandishments of his wife is being repeated every evening in bedrooms across the country. Men are simply going off sex, according to the UK’s largest firm of relationship counsellors.
Relate, which provides counselling, sex therapy and relationship education, said there had been a 40 per cent increase in male clients admitting that, despite being physically able to have sex, they can’t be bothered.
‘Men used to come to us with impotence - now known as erectile insufficiency - but Viagra has sorted some of that problem,’ said Peter Bell, Relate’s head of practice. ‘What we have is a lot of men who say, as women did in the Fifties: “I can have sex, but I don’t want to. It’s not rewarding”.’
Bell says that around half the men he is now seeing admit to a complete lack of libido. Ten years ago, he said, such complaints were unheard of.
‘They tend to be men in their thirties, forties and fifties and married,’ he said. ‘It is a serious issue. It counts as a psychosexual dysfunction, rather than just a relationship problem, because these men haven’t simply gone off their partner, but off sex altogether.’
Billy, 43, a graphic designer in Newcastle upon Tyne, who has been married for 10 years, said his sexual desire had waned dramatically in the past three years. ‘I still love my wife and am very clear that she’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I just don’t want to make love with her any more,’ he said. ‘The curious thing is that I can get erections, and I don’t fancy or fantasise about other women. It’s just that, over the years, my desire to have sex with anyone at all has faded.
‘I’m not particularly unhappy about the situation, but I am curious and have tried to work out why I feel this way,’ he said. ‘My wife and I have always had a difficult relationship but, in the past, that always led to great sex. It’s true that I have a stressful job, but previously sex helped me relax and forget my work problems. I’m baffled by my lack of interest, but not particularly unhappy.’
Bell said the problem is ‘partly because women are more aware of what they want sexually and are prepared to ask for it’. He added: ‘I think it’s also that men and women are more sexually similar than they like to think. It is traditionally believed that, while women only enjoyed sex if it happened in the context of a positive and nurturing relationship, men could always be turned on by visual cues alone. But what we’re seeing is that, once the thrill of the chase has disappeared and the sex is happening in a committed relationship, the libido of both men and women is affected by the quality of the relationship they are in.’
Professor Michael King, of the Royal Free and University College Medical School in London, believes the problem might lie in depression. Last week he completed a study into mental illness across six countries which found that the rate of major depression and panic syndrome was highest among men in the UK. ‘Men are most likely to suffer depression between the ages of 30 and 50,’ said King. ‘One of the explanations is that men are less able to talk about their problems than women or express their emotions.’
Professor Cary Cooper, president of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, agreed. ‘Men have less social support and, as a generalisation, are less emotionally intelligent than women and have not traditionally been encouraged to share their feelings,’ he said.
Cooper, who is professor of organisational psychology and health at Lancaster University, also blamed Britain’s culture of long working hours. ‘Britain’s work culture has gone from 9 to 5 to extremely long hours, which makes for a very stressful life,’ he said. ‘Stress can be cumulative, which means eventually people can find it impossible to switch off and relax.’
(Guardian)
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Umm.. I’m raising the b.s. flag.
Everytime I can have sex, it’s a great time. I don’t refuse it.
I guess thats what happens after 7 months of masturbation.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:36 pmTake into consideration the men discussed in the article are … Brits.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:50 pmI hope these British disease isn’t contagious. lol
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm*this
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:01 pmtime meens money, that’s the main raison, an anglo-saxon desease ?
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Health/2007/09/25/us_adults_spend_less_time_having_sex/8541/
May 4th, 2008 at 12:40 amdrill, I was wondering :
“U.S. adults spend less time having sex
Not only do U.S. adults have sex less frequently than almost everyone else in the world, they spend less time doing it, a worldwide survey found.
On average, the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey found, Americans have sex just 85 times a year — about once every 4.3 days — well below the global pace of 103 times or about once every 3.5 days. They also spend an average of about 57 minutes per week having sex — about 14 minutes below the global average, the survey learned.
When U.S. adults are in the bedroom, 69 percent said they had oral sex, 62 percent said they had sensual massage and 42 percent said they enjoyed sexual fantasies, the survey found.
More than 50 percent of U.S. adults expect that lovers will become more experimental in the future and 57 percent look forward to people being sexually active for longer in the years to come, the survey said.
Condom manufacturer Durex questioned more than 26,000 people across 26 countries about every aspect of their sex lives. ”
global information
May 4th, 2008 at 5:23 am“[men are] less emotionally intelligent than women…”
Yup. These are Brits.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:59 amAmerica is the only major western nation with a positive birthrate. Socialism turns men into Eunuchs.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:23 amuh, I read an article that says that is a bit the same in the US
May 4th, 2008 at 8:13 amStill reading The Guardian, are we?
May 4th, 2008 at 9:43 amOne small observation about polls and “articles” about human sexuality: This is the #1 Gold-Medal Winning Champion topic for people to bullshit. #2 is “What’s the Biggest fish you ever caught?”
How often do you have sex?
How many lovers have you had?
How big is your schwanz?
How long can you maintain an erection?
How many men/women have you had at a time?
Have you ever engaged in extramarital sex?
Have you ever fantasized about a homosexual encounter?
Do you think Tom Cruise is cute?
Yeah. I bet everybody tells the unvarnished truth when they answer these questions.
PS: I once caught a rainbow trout that was 22 inches long and weighed five pounds. Just thought I would add that, since I know how all of you are dying to know.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:49 amKevin M
would you call “united press international” the guardian ?
and I am not recalling here the french rank
see that all the papers can tell BS
May 4th, 2008 at 10:15 amUPI is not The Guardian. French rank? Would that be Major Disaster, Corporal Punishment, or General Mayhem?
Be careful what you read, and even more careful what you believe. If you want to know what Americans are like, then visit the States and judge for yourself. Newspapers are for my parrot, and my TV only plays the DVDs I choose to watch. As for “news articles” about human sexuality, I have already commented on that.
The whole Guardian thing was just my annoying tactic to get your attention. It worked, so expect more. I genuinely enjoy prodding you to comment.
…and I promise I will never make jokes about French cheese, the wine industry or Bridget Bardot. Everything else is fair game.
May 4th, 2008 at 10:31 amKevin, I am always volonteer to learn
now, I made a post a few weeks ago on the mastering BS, it was about the penis lengh ; some of your fellows had a “heart attack”
He, I’d like to visit the States, but I got a profession that needs me here.
BTW, my elder son and his wife will go to the States next august, he asked me if I knew someone who could advise them for something like “Bed and Breakfast”, or inhabitant’s room, in the north of California and Oregon, cause he can’t find it on the net.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:23 amI’m on the East Coast, so I don’t know about B&Bs on the West coast. I will see what I can get on the net and bring it to your attention (probably by saying something outrageous about the French which is completely out of touch with reality).
What is your profession? And what the hell is “the mastering BS?”
Be careful making observations about penis length. If you don’t have one, it can get you into horrific trouble. It changes according to mood. Women change their minds; men change their penis length (somewhat ironically, men inspire women to change their minds and women inspire men to change their penis length…go figure :roll:).
Anyway, I’ll see what I can get on B&Bs and I will post it to this column. Be prepared to search Pat Dollard’s back pages in case it takes me a couple days.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:41 amI have no idea what budget your son has, but here’s a few things to look at.
terrishomestay.com (this one looks kind of hippy to me, but that’s northern California).
http://www.bedandbreakfast.com/northern-coast-california.html
http://www.fensalden.com/index.htm
http://www.cabbi.com
www.northernredwoods.com
Get on Amazon.com and search for “Bed and Breakfast Inns” under books and then under magazines.
One final word of advice: Tell your son that if he’s strolling out in the woods in northern California and Oregon, and he comes across some footprints that are REALLY HUGE, he is best advised to not follow them. Faites- confiancemoi. Vous ne voulez pas savoir.
Hope this helps.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:54 amI made a reply, see later on if it appears on board
May 4th, 2008 at 12:08 pmwell, I guess it’s lost, there was “an error” page
Anyway, thanks, I appreciate that you cared
As they both earn well their life, and as the euro is about the double as the dollar, I expect they won’t have much to worry about money expenses.
my profession ? if you call owning an auberge a profession, then OK, though I put it on sale, I want to get a chance to have a proper house and a garden before I’ll get too old.
the foot prints, do you meen those of that creature that someone saw on Uranus ?
about my post :
on the mastering of Bullshit
What is a bullshit ? The “Sun” finally acknoledged that the biggest penis are french thus, bigger than the Americans’ ; that can’t be possible, of course, the Americans have the mightiest tanks, he, the whole net says so !
Though, I have the proof that the Frenchs have the biggest penis HERE
I am perplexe !
and I don’ add the link, too “severe”
May 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm1. There is no creature on my anus.
May 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm2. The biggest dicks on the planet are French? We know.
3. I hope your son has a great time in the Pacific Northwest. I have known people who went there and loved it.
kind of you, thanks
May 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pmIf your son knows exactly which part of California and Oregon he wishes to visit (cities), let me know and I’ll dig up some interesting stuff for him.
I just saw your web site by clicking on your name. It’s nice that I now know what you look like.
I don’t have a picture to share. But if you were to put Cary Grant, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Hugh Grant into a blender and hit puree…
…you’d end up with a huge pile of bloody, pulpy shit.
That’s what I look like.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pmif your on board the next days, I might have the answer
he, that all giants ! got to get my double heals to have a look at you
May 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pmgot the answer from my son :
“Hi,
Thank you for your help. We also looked at the map and think about the following itinerary (we’ll rent a car):
– Departure from San Francisco (Livermore)
– En route to Crater Lake National Park
– Then Coos Bay
– Return to northern California on the coast
– Redwood National Park
– Duration: 8 days
we are looking for typical places,style “at home” allowing us to meet the people (budget about $ 80 per night for 2 people).
During this trip, we would like to practice activities such as hiking, rafting, etc.
Thanks again for your help.
JY & Flo”
May 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pmThis may take a bit, as I will try to eliminate places out of their price range. Maybe by next week I will have something.
I hear northern California has some very pricey B&Bs, but too many people travel there for there not to be some more affordable places. Be patient. This will not be quick.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:38 pmthen, it’s me that has luck
did you notice that I made a pulpy shit soup out of your portrait ?
it was to check if you’d known your “portrait” avatars
May 5th, 2008 at 4:06 pmDon’t worry for the delay, or if it is too boring, forget it,
hey, they are youngs they can also digg in the links you provided
May 5th, 2008 at 4:21 pmdid you notice that I made a pulpy shit soup out of your portrait ?
Damn, and I just thought somebody had Windexed my bathroom mirror.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:34 pmyou left your window opened : be careful of ” le vent qui passe”
May 6th, 2008 at 5:21 am